I’m a quitter, and I’m okay with it.
I quit my marriage. I chose to end it. It was my decision. I left my husband of 12 years. And you know what? I’m better for it. I am grateful that I made the decision. My only regret…I didn’t get a divorce sooner.
Now I can hear everyone start the preaching:
“You should work on your marriage”
“Don’t give up”
“Think about the kids”
I’m sorry, but none of that worked.
For 12 years I tried working on my relationship. I didn’t just one day wake up and say “oh, I think I want to get a divorce and destroy everyone’s life, including my children’s”. No, I worked at it. I stayed through a lot of issues. And I’m not here to vent about those issues. I’m simply saying that, I quit my marriage, I feel better now and I know in the long run, this was the healthiest decision for myself and my children.
And for the record, I’m not saying that everyone should make that choice and it’s ok. Everyone is different, with different circumstances and experiences. If this is a decision anyone has to make, divorce shouldn’t be taken lightly.
In the beginning of our separation, I did feel a lot of guilt.
It was my guilt and for me to deal with alone. Basically, I tore my family apart. Unfortunately, Jesse, my son, had the most visible issues with our separation. This wasn’t a new idea for our kids. About a year prior, my husband and I had a huge falling out and he almost left. Needless to say, the kids had been through a bit of a rollercoaster then, but the difference now was that I was insisting on the separation and there was no going back.
Yes, a lot of guilt. My kids didn’t really understand what was going on and still to this day they may not. I did my best to explain how I felt and how it would be better, even if it didn’t seem like it would get better.
Jesse wasn’t the only one not handling it well. Carolina also had her way of coping, but it seemed to me that a wedge was being driven between her dad, brother and her. To this day, I still feel a little of guilt over the relationship dynamic the three of them have, but I’ve come to accept that asking for the divorce wasn’t the cause, and that in reality I didn’t play a part in their relationship, that was between the three of them.
Kids are resilient creatures. Quite a few people who knew about my relationship and what I was going through assured me that the kids are tough and smart, and as long as I keep doing right by them, in time the kids would come around, and our relationships would improve. And you know what, they were right.
Carolina straight from the get go, dealt with her pain in her own way. She keeps to herself, lets it all simmer, and deals with things in a way that is totally unclear to me, but she does. To this day, I still don’t know if she’s really accepted it or understands the reasons and actual divorce, but I don’t feel like she’s torn in two as much as she was in the beginning. I could be totally naïve, but I feel like our divorce isn’t such a sore subject.
And Jesse….well, he came around. He came around in a way that I couldn’t believe would ever happen. He apologized for his behavior towards me. That kid is crazy. I told him that he had nothing to apologize for, because I knew he had pressure and someone influencing him beyond his control at that time. I mean, he was a 9 year old kid.
Separation and divorce are hard. It’s hard on you, it’s hard on your significant other, it’s hard on your kids, and it’s hard on your immediate family.
But nothing worth living is easy.
I knew I would be happier and healthier. Our relationship was taking a toll on me emotionally and physically. I knew that eventually the kids would see the difference in me before and after, and I hoped that would enable me to be a better example for our kids. It was hard, but it was worth it.
Now, almost 3 years later, I’m happier and healthier and I feel like a totally different person. I even feel like I’ve become a better mother and wife. How exactly, I’m not sure. It’s hard to explain, but the environment in the home and our experiences as a family just help me feel like things are a lot better.
Divorce or separation may not be the answer for everyone. I’m not condoning it in anyway. I would have loved to be able to stay with one man for the rest of my life. It just wasn’t in the cards with that man.